Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
