I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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