I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
