My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
