yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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