Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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