Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
