Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
