Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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