Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
