Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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