Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
