The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
