I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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