It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
