I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
