Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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