Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
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he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
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I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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