She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Randomize
