I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
