Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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