I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
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you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
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We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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