gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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