Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
