Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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