If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
