allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Randomize
