and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
you inspire me to be a worse person
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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