bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
