the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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