yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Your penis caused this!
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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