Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
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I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
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The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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