So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
