I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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