So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
