guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
