mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
