Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
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Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
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Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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