How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
