I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
