I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
