It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
