got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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