Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
