I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
