Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
