First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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