If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
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Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
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I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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