forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
