Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
