I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
