Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
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