I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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