wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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