dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
